


Don't Bet On It

by readyRobin



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Batjokes, Bets & Wagers, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, M/M, No Smut, Post-Canon, Rivalry, Sleepovers, but in a romantic way, crack ships, hopefully, just a little on the side, minimal violence, slowburn, the clowns just really like their bats, wlw mlm solidarity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24312799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readyRobin/pseuds/readyRobin
Summary: Harley thinks Joker talks about his greatest enemy way too often, so he makes her a wager. Fight Batgirl for a few months and don't get swept off your feet, and he'll stop talking about Batman so much. Its definitely worth it, right? They aren't the only two placing a bet though.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Harleen Quinzel, Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	1. Sleepovers and Gossip

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic for the lego batman movie and im so stoked to be working on it. As this is my first time writing for this fandom, feel free to correct me if anything seems out of character :D

“And when he was about to punch me right in the face he hesitated!” Joker swung a fist towards his own face as if reenacting the moment, stopping himself inches away from his nose, “I really think he wanted to kiss me.” He sighs, looking into the distance with a dreamy look in his eyes. The other clown in the pillow fort flinches at the sudden movement. 

Harley “I know what happened puddin’, I was there. I’m lovin’ the theatrics but you’re gonna have to sit still if you want me to paint your nails.” Harley huffs as he looks down at his hand to see a green streak across his thumb, “Oops. Sorry Harls.” She just rolls her eyes with a grin, “Accidents happen Mistah J. This one I can fix in a jiffy” Harley screws the nail polish bottle shut and tosses it aside, reaching for a new bottle of nail stuff.

Joker complies now, sitting still while Harley dabs some nail polish remover on a cotton ball. Harley silently celebrates this small moment free of her buddy’s rambling. Hannah Montana sings softly about the best of both worlds from the cheap speaker they had shoplifted during their Walmart spree for sleepover snacks. 

The peace and quiet is nice. Harley didn’t think she’d ever catch a brea-“Do you think he’s a cat person or a dog person? I dunno about you but I’m thinking cat person. Have you noticed how when he gets mad, he scrunches his nose up like a cat? You know I-” Harley cuts him off with an aggravated groan. “Booboo I’m glad you two finally worked things out, really, but hearing about B-man all the time is really grinding my gears! Aren’t you worried about getting burned out or somethin’?”

They’d been getting into fights with the bat family almost every day now, and Harley was getting tired of hearing about it off the job. It use to be all “Hey, check out how many cheese sticks I can fit in my mouth!” or “Harls give Riddler a super basic puzzle and tell him its okay if he doesn’t get it.” That was nuts! That stuff is a riot. But now things are always like, “Bats threw me across a whole room!” and “Help me kidnap wonder boy, I wanna see Batman!” Mistah J brought a whole new level to boy crazy, and while it was sort of endearing at first, now it’s just getting old. What happened to the other world? Hannah Montana doesn’t seem to know; she just keeps singing.

The outburst doesn’t seem to genuinely bother Joker, but he gasps with faux offense. “Oh Harley! You wound me. Jealousy isn’t flattering on you, you know. If you want what I have all you have to do is ask!”

This stumps her for a second. “Puddin, you know the bat aint my cup of tea, dontcha?” She knows she’s gushed about her own lady crushes a few times. The Joker doubles over into a fit of giggles for a solid minute before staring very seriously at Harley, “Don’t get me wrong girl-buddy. Batman is mine,” his face breaks into a grin again, “The new bat lady, however…” “Noooo way.” “Yes way!” He’s wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Puddin’ you got no idea how corny you are” It’s embarrassing, but it makes her laugh.

Joker puts his hands on his hips in a sarcastically stern way. “I can tell you don’t get how I feel so how about a friendly wager, hm?” Harley nods. Hearing him out will only encourage him further, but if she can win a bet, she could get something nice out of it. “So,” he continues, “If! You can fight Batgirl as much as I fight Batsy and not be wooed after three months, you win. Easy peasy! If you lose, you gotta listen to me gush over my bat-crush and tease you about yours. Sound good?”

Harley takes a second to think about it. From memory she knows Babs was attractive, she has to admit that to herself, but definitely not drop dead gorgeous. And personality wise? Hm. The clown doesn’t know much about Batgirl now that she really thinks about it. She does always seem really uptight and dull. That should make things easier. “Hmmmm ok! But if I win you gotta do the dishes every time you talk about B-man, mkay?” She takes another second to think, and feeling confident she tacks on a, “And hey why don’tcha make it four months!” That should be fine, right? Harley’s a big girl, she can handle that!

Joker grins smugly from his pile of pillows and sticks a now perfectly manicured hand out. “You’ve got yourself a deal, girl-buddy.” Harley shakes his hand with a smile, but deep down she’s got butterflies in her stomach, and it doesn’t feel good. What did she just get herself into?


	2. Bad Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh ohhhhh bat again!

On the other side of Gotham, two of our heroes are on patrol. The bat signal illuminates the dreary overcast sky like a second moon; however, this isn’t unusual. Batman and Batgirl are perched atop an abandoned warehouse. Everyone knows the streets with abandoned warehouses and such are fantastic places to find some light crime.  
A few muggers or the occasional trade of illicit sweets wasn’t what the two were watching the empty streets so closely for though. The Joker and Co. had been absent for a few months, and just today he and Harley shoplifted a local drugstore. They hadn’t taken anything except a shopping basket full of candy and a few other normal shopping trip things, but Batman and her were there in an instant anyways. Barbara was caught up with trying to catch Harley, but she could’ve sworn she saw Bruce hesitate on a hit that could’ve KO’d the Joker. The four of them had a typical fight, exchanging punches and kicks, and of course Megamind style banter between the two arch-nemesis’. It ended with the two escaping, which wasn’t that big of a deal because all they had done this time was steal a few things. Barbara was occupied with her own tussle, but she was almost completely sure Batman had let the clowns get away.  
In the present, she found herself staring at Bruce thoughtfully. The man still had his gaze fixed on the street below with intense focus. He looked caught up in his own thoughts more than anything though, so Barbara decides to interrupt the silence. “We wouldn’t be looking out for them if we had got them at the store, Batman.” He only grunts in response. “I know we could’ve got them,” she persists, “I saw you hesitate. Why go after them only to let them run free?”  
“I don’t know what you mean.” Batgirl fixes him with a stern look that could even rival the buffoon’s butler. “What?”  
“Are you really that oblivious to how much indulging in his flirtations is hindering us?” Bruce only sputters an incoherent defense. “Seriously, the wisecracks have got to come to a stop, Wayne.”  
Bruce takes a moment to quickly regain his composure, “Look, Babs, we’re not flirting,” that earns him another Look, “And I don’t see how it’s dragging us down, really. If I get him to talk, I can get him to tell what he’s planning.” Barbara still looks skeptical. “Why don’t you try it?”   
“No way! I don’t need both of us slipping up.” Batman rolls his eyes. It’s not visible behind the glowing eyes of the cowl but Batgirl gets the point. “Look, just for a month or two. Just give it a chance, and then I’ll say I told you so when you get that I’m right.”   
That gets a snort out of Barbara, “And if I’m right, uhhh. I really just want bragging rights.” Bruce shrugs and extends a hand to his partner, “Deal.” And so, they shake on it. Barbara ignores the feeling of dread in her gut in favor of what looks like someone getting mugged down the street. She nudges Batman and nods in the direction of the mugger. And then they’re on the move again.

Taking care of the mugger had been easy, and after things were set right Bruce Headed back to Wayne manor for a late dinner. It’s a Thursday, which means there should be lobster thermidor in the fridge. Ha! Who is he kidding, lobster thermidor is for every day of the week. Just as he’s begun to chow down his bat-cell rings. Bruce looks down at the caller ID, and sees that it’s an anonymous caller. Aw what the hell, why not. He answers the phone.  
“Hel-” “Batsy! I knew you’d pick up.” Bruce shot up from his seat. “Joker! How did you get this number? I-” “HAH! Relax Batsy baby. I don’t have a bone to pick with you right now. No, I need a favor. Just one tiny thing.” Bruce doesn’t relax. He doesn’t say anything. “Hey, I can feel you pouting, you know.” He sighs, “What do you want, Joker.” A giggle tickles at his ear, “I just need you to leave Harley to your new girl-buddy. We’ve got a bet and I’m gonna need them together.” Huh, that wasn’t was Bruce had expected. It honestly sounds kind of suspicious “What bet?” Joker laughs at that. Oh, how that laugh grinds his gears. “Now I’m not gonna tell you that. Come on, you owe me! I’ve been a good little clown for the past month, doesn’t that count for anything?” Is he begging?  
Bruce is about to flat out refuse when he remembers his own bargain. “I’ll do it, but only because it’d be beneficial to my own bet.” Joker squeals at that. “You? Betting? Please, fill me in on all the details.” He sees an opportunity and takes it, “Now I’m not gonna tell you that.” Bruce hangs up just in time to cut off a scandalized scoff. He allows himself a smug smirk at that before finishing his food and going to bed. The bat-cell dings again on his nightstand.

???: It’s not very gentlemanly to hang up on your lady like that.  
Me: Goodnight.

Bruce switches the cell to silent and places it back on the nightstand. What? He values his beauty sleep. Bruce drifts off unaware of the path of chaos that he had just paved for his partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! I really do appreciate it. I know chapters are kind of short, I'm working on being able to write lengthier chapters without beating a dead horse, if that makes sense. See you in a few! :D


	3. vroom

Before Harley can even open her eyes in the morning, she’s greeted by a loud clash that could only be pots and pans. She curses at whoever dared wake her in such a rude manner and pulled a pillow over her head. This doesn’t last long. The pillow is taken away with a giggle Harley could recognize anywhere.   
“Wakey wakey sleeping beauty, you’ve got a big day ahead of you!” Harley finally opens her eyes and sits up in the pillow fort looking reasonably annoyed by her friend’s antics. “Can’t a gal snooze in peace?” She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and looks out to the dinky window, “The sun ain’t even up, what’s the big idea Mista J?”  
Joker drops the pans resulting in a loud clatter. This elicits some grumpy yelling from a few other rouges residing in other rooms in the villain base. He pays them no mind aside from yelling a quick “Boo you, whore!” at Riddler. The clown bounces on his heels giddily now as he begins to ramble on about something to Harley. She immediately tunes him out in favor of leaving the fort for a pop tart and a cold glass of chocolate milk. A child’s ideal breakfast. Now Harley is an adult, however she’s also a wanted criminal, which means she can eat whatever she wants and kick the teeth out of anyone who judges her for it.  
Mid-pop tart Harley starts to feel awake. She tunes back into Joker’s tirade, and at this point it seems he’s gotten off track. She holds up a finger to stop him, “Puddin’ you’re not makin’ any sense. Start from the beginning, what’s up?”  
Joker clears his throat and opens his mouth to speak, closes it, and after a moment he leaves the kitchen. When he comes back minutes later, he’s proudly holding out an old laptop with a gaudily decorated power point opened. Harley quickly tosses her empty wrapper in the trash and gets comfortable on the countertop. It seems like this will take a while.  
“So! Now that I have your attention, here’s a plan I put together for you last night to get you started on our bet.” That explains all the extra energy. He must have stayed up all night working on this. It would explain all the foam coffee cups sitting in the trash can. Harley reads the title page shown. ‘Get In Loser We’re Committing Multiple Acts Of Crime’ read in bright green comic sans surrounded by multiple clip arts of clowns, balloons, batarangs, and similar tacky pictures.  
Joker clicks next slide. It was decorated similarly to the title page. “Alrighty, here’s the plan. I think you’ll like it, it’s all very on brand for you.” Slide two is titled ‘Get Batgirl’s attention’ there isn’t much else on the slide, as the title seems self-explanatory. “I’ll let you get creative with this one. Just take the day to stir up a little trouble. Nothing big yet, if Batgirl shows up get out. You’ll see her later.” Harley nods, this could be fun.  
The next slide shows a picture of the skating rink downtown they got banned from a couple months back. The slide is titled ‘Sneak In’. Harley is liking where this is going already. “Here’s where things heat up. You gotta get in there tonight.” He switches the slide again. A picture of an unimpressive man eating a corn dog is shown, “You remember Doug, right? The DJ?” Harley nods. That guy was a huge square. “Wellllll you’re going to need to make an announcement. Get him out of the way and you’re ready to get things going.”  
The last slide has a few bullet points. “So! You’ve got a high price on your head Harleen. You tell these nice people that whoever can catch you can turn you in to the GCPD. That’s plenty of motivation, don’t you think? But of course, you can’t be bested by any civilian. Let them chase you, and maybe have some fun with it. Go easy on the normies though. Babs will show up eventually and then, you fight!”  
Joker shuts the laptop and bows showily. Harley claps ecstatically, this all looks like so much fun. A thought crosses her mind though and she frowns. “But Mista J, what if B-Man shows up?” he looks up from his bow with a wide grin, “Oh, leave that to me.”

\---

Harley is out in the wild now. What crimes will she commit? Only time will tell. The mall seems like a good place to start. By noon she’s initiated a food fight in the food court, made herself a sandwich, shoplifted from Hot Topic, KOed a creepy dude following a younger girl, and escaped security via shattered window. All in all, she had kicked off the day’s festivities nicely.   
Across the Gotham mall parking lot, the Batmobile speeds into Harley’s line of vision. In a panic the clown ducks into the nearest unlocked car. After slouching down below the windows, she can relax, and she notices just how nice of a car she’s in. “Oh wow...” This must be her lucky day. Harley makes quick work of hotwiring the sporty vehicle and rolls out of the parking lot as casual as she can.  
Two blocks away Harley can’t hold in her excited squeal any longer. Look at this baby! Shiny and red and ooh la la with a growl to bring any man to his knees. Ok, she doesn’t know all that much about cars but she knows a good one when she sees it. By the looks of it the middle-aged father in the minivan next to her does too. Harley grins at him with a competitive glint in her eyes. She rolls down the window, “She’s all yours if you can pass me.”  
Greed overcomes his features and they take off. The son shrieks with joy from the back seat. This is probably the coolest thing to happen to the kid. As they race Harley isn’t in any danger of losing her newfound treasure to the average Joe, in fact, she can’t see him anywhere anymore. What she does see, however, is the batmobile.  
“Rats!” It’s not time for this yet, not before she’s had her fun. Harley speeds up, but it’s not enough to shake a bat. A few tricky turns buy her some more distance, but as she nears a bridge there’s a loud thud on the roof of the car. “What the hell?”  
A purple-cowled face in the windshield answers her. “Harleen pull over!” The clown blows a raspberry at Batgirl, who watches unamused. “I’m coming in Harley.”  
Her face grows more serious then. “Hey now! You’re not supposed to get me yet. You’re a good little girlie, Babs, can’t you stick to the script?”  
“This play sucks” The hero slides into the passenger seat and immediately grabs at Harley. In a moment of panic, she slams on the gas and leaps out of the car and off the bridge. Hmph, Harley thinks as the river quickly approaches, desperate times call for desperate measures. There’s a loud crash above that can only be her sweet ride hitting a lamppost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek sorry this one took so long to get out, i intended for this chapter to be much lengthier but it started to drag on so i had to split it up. You've seen the plan, now get ready to see it's execution in a bit!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I do hope you enjoyed it and I'm always open to constructive criticism. I'm not sure how long this will end up being, but ill be trying to keep at it for a long while. As for when you can expect updates, the very soonest could be one day. The longest should be about a week. If i take longer than that do feel free to personally kick me right in the dick. If you're too much of a wuss for that, just gently remind me in the comments or be patient and understanding. I'm not great at committing to projects, so I'm sorry in advance If i ditch this for a bit.


End file.
